Search Me {And Surgery Update}

Posted By on Jun 5, 2015 | 6 comments

Kim Seng via Flickr CC

{Photo: Kim Seng via Flickr CC}

I’ll never forget the day I learned my cancer had returned. Standing in the kitchen, I gripped the phone as my oncologist shared the news. My knees gave out, and I slid to the floor. Deep from within, moans I’d never heard before bellowed out. Shock, fear, and then anger set in as I shouted to God two words: “Why me?”

What had I done to deserve this? Looking back, I now see that God had a plan, one which included a great deal of earthly pain on my part, but would eventually turn into back-to-back miracles on His. His plan, the best plan, would slowly unfold over the years and point hundreds of people to Christ.

And isn’t that the greater goal?

Even in my weakest moments, when my fleshly fear winds me tighter than I’d like to admit, the Bible says He sees and knows my needs even before I cry them out. That’s why He sends a Helper, the Holy Spirit, to search our hearts and pray on our behalf. He is constantly looking for a way to comfort us and draw us closer to Him.

His ways are not my ways, even though in my mind I believe I have the superior plan, one that usually requires minimal discomfort. But sometimes the greatest spiritual growth occurs when the pain runs deep and tears flow unendingly and I am so emotionally wounded that the only place I can look is up. And usually that’s where His glory is revealed—in the complete surrender of my will.

The Bible describes God as being the potter, and me the clay. He’s searching for those imperfections. His desire as a Creator is to smooth out the bumps and form me into the follower He wants me to be. This requires close inspection on His part, and faith on mine. All of which are beautiful steps in our walk with Him. He is molding us, making us a better version of ourselves. We just can’t see the potential masterpiece from our point of view.

God knows our heart, our dedication, and even our limitations. He’s constantly looking for ways to refine and free us from our anxious thoughts. And to show us that He’s got this, especially the scary stuff of life.

“And He Who searches the hearts of men knows what is in the mind of the [Holy] Spirit [what His intent is], because the Spirit intercedes and pleads [before God] in behalf of the saints according to and in harmony with God’s will.”—Romans 8:27 (AMP)

DIG: Is there an area of your life where you feel God is refining you spiritually?

DISCOVER: How do the words of today’s Scripture speak to you specifically? What is God saying to you?

DISPLAY: Each day this week search for Bible verses about the Holy Spirit.


{I wrote this devotional for Calvary Ft. Lauderdale’s DailyDevo about a month before I knew I would need open heart surgery. Funny how God whispers His reminders just when I need them most.

Praising Him today for His loving kindness. I hope this devotional touches you in some way. God bless!}

~~~Update on Open Heart Surgery~~~

For those who asked how they could help in some way:

1) First and foremost, I’d really, really appreciate your prayers. I’ve been more fatigued than usual lately. I think this may be due to the fact that I’m not downing espressos left and right. Miss those. But, I feel guilty resting…like I’m coasting through my days just waiting for my energy to suddenly reappear. Right now I need a mental shift in my thinking. I need to remember that today  matters, the kids matter, my hubby matters…regardless of how I’m feeling. I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and praise God for what I do have: a loving family and the ability to rest…even if my stubborn body doesn’t want to. 😉

2) Please pray about my medical journey. Recently (meaning yesterday 6/4/2015), I felt this sudden urge to switch my local cardiologist. As you can imagine, this sets me back for the two man tests I need to have done (TEE [internal echo of my heart] and Cardiac Cath test) before I can travel to New York. And when my testing gets pushed back, so does my surgery date. As of now, it looks like my procedure will take place in July. Please pray for God’s wisdom to devinely guide me and my family during this time. I know this is the right move. I had too many red flags flying everywhere…and as any patient will tell you, these days you HAVE to be your own health advocate. Don’t settle. If something inside doesn’t sit right about your current physcian, seek a second opinion. Pray, pray, pray. And then go with your gut. I feel more at peace now with my decision to swtich. I don’t think that’s a coincidence.

3) Thirdly, (and please do not feel pressured at ALL), my big sis set up a gofundme account to help offset the many medical expenses coming my way. Please know that I’ve never made money on any of my blog posts. I don’t advertise of use affiliate links. My heart is always to bless those who take the time to read…so I hope this mention will not deter you in any way from these posts. I promise not to turn this into some campaign.

Thanks for listening to me ramble, but more importantly, thank you for your prayers and emotional support. You have no idea how much they mean to me.

Praising God for you all,




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